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truth be told...-my life without filters - |
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FATMANさんの投稿:
6 月 28 日
FATMANさんの投稿:
4 月 11 日
greer trevorさんの投稿:
 xx
11 月 25 日
Writerさんの投稿:
I really enjoyed your post. You could be a writer!
God bless you
11 月 12 日
greer trevorさんの投稿:
 x
10 月 31 日
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10月11日 selling off my old memoriesI'm selling it... my wedding gown. it took a lot of soulsearching but when am i ever going to wear it? there is no way in hell i'm marrying Brett and it would quite honestly be on the verge of rude to wear it to any other occason. so i'm selling it... not with a light heart i might add... it is unique tho so hopefully some kind deserving soul will give it a deserving home. The dress is made by the lady who actually physically made all the costumes for Liv Tyler for her role as Arwen in the Lord of the Rings movies. after filming ended she set up as a replica seamstress and did some fab repros of the LOTR costumes. not just the Arwen ones but all the rest of them. i love her stuiff it is sooo detailed. but anyway... my dress is the "death scene" in the Two Towers where Arwen is dying and very ill and it is the last american size 8 (euro 38/uk10) she ever made. it was expensive enought when i got hold of it and brand new. to be honest it's still brand new... the only thing i've done is try it on 3 times and taken the labels off. i am sad to see it go as it contains so many pieces of hope. i wanted to get married... i still do... but at the same time i am so incredibly pleased about never marrying Brett. WARNING! WHINGE TIME: Brett has still not paid anything in maintenance for Maya. he writes whingey e-mails blaming me for his total lack of contact with her. apparently i hindered him talking to her when he during the autumn 2007 rings 4 times and by default only after or at the end of her bedtime and during spring 2008 in the evenings and not once asks how she is and only wants to talk about his own life... Also i ruined his wedding in June 2008 by saying Maya would be attending but only with someone there who she can trust and who she could spek norwegian with. This was inapprropriate apparently, and it never once seemed to cross his mind that maintianing a twoyear olds vocabulary in two languages is difficoult enough without her totally refusing to speak one of them... anyway...the last remnant of my former life is now up for sale... Please give me a hint if someone is interested...
     after a request from the roleplay fraction of the Trondheim population i feel it is almost a requirement t add a couple of piccies 8月28日 summer is over..I have a job!!!
have had it since March but i haven't blogged since my car broke down...hehe but yeah... i'm still at the poster warehouse i was employed permanently in March, in May i was made manager and lately i've had a lot of responsibility i am acting boss at times when my boss
is gone.
so my CV now says Art Director/second in
command at Poster.no... LOL... dunno what to call myself at the mo... all i know
is that my job is great... i now do all the designwork, in the
office/admin bit i'm responsible for invoicing and i've been trained in the
pick-list bit so i can get lists done for the warehouse pickers as and when
required...
not bad for someone who started in the warehouse
picking and rolling eh?
there is a lot to be done and i'm really busy and
sometimes even a bit stressed but it's a good job and untill further notice they
are happy for me to work 8- 15 days which means i get an hour more with Maya in
the afternoon... the really good part is that it's easy to get up in the morning and i still haven't hade a fake headache because of a "heavy duvet syndrome" which must mean i'm enjoying my work! on to Maya and me.... the summer was split into two parts. first a 4 day trip to sweden with tante Inger-Lise. we stayed in Østersund where they have an enourmous indoor water-world and we went on the dougnutslide with my friend Maria and her 4 year old Eira. we fell off on the last corner but it was still great fun. Maya borrowed Eiras father for another run afterwards coz Mamma had enough bruises after the fall-off... we also went to a family history park where the old buildings are "populated" by locals who dress up and entertain tourists all summer. great fun. and of course we went to the zoo where we fed the iguanas and the marmoset monkeys. after coming home for a quick laundry and repack we went to Vega, one of the Helgeland Islands in the north of Norway. such a lovely area! we went swimming in the ocean and for an island cruise to se how they lived in the days when people made their main living from collecting eiderdown. after we came back we've returned to work and nursery. Maya is now in the oldest group in Lundesola and takes great pride in showing the lill'uns (2 and 3 year olds) how to do stuff they probably allready know... i have signed he up for ridingclasses too and tuesday this week was the first time. she was really a natural according to the instructor and stood up on top of the saddle and sat back down without losing her balance. she steered the pony successfully (being a beginner i'm glad the poor shetland was an old mare used to inexperienced kids...) and got her going and stopped her again... she even had a short but correct trot on her own without the leadrope which really impressed me! she got the hang of it all really quickly! unfortunately we won't be able to go to England this autumn as we had originally planned. the vanity in the bathroom is falling of the wall due to the previous owner only having a showercurtain which has made one end of the vanity almost totally disintegrate. i got showerdoors installed as soon as i bought the place but even keeping it dry won't help. this unfortunatelly means that we no longer can afford the flight. we were both looking foreward to going but our home is our castle and will have to be maintained properly. Maya is also obsessive about climbing on top of the basin to see herself in the mirror so to keep her on gound level a large mirror is an essential item... we hope you have all had a lovely summer! 2月3日 with the world watcing and nothing better to do...my car broke down last week.. with no job and Laura coming to visit i panicked and braced myself for personal bankrupcy...
fortunatelly it was a servopump and a mulibelt which both sound like either something the mechanic invented to up the cost or something incredibly complicated.... i vote for the last option being as when it stopped, the car squealed then burped and stopped... so something has got to have been wrong and it's not the poor mechanic's fault that the engingeparts have got idiotic names...
anyway... i feared a great expense but it's within a reasonable amount of money (i.e. below the amount currently in my savings account which means i won't have to use money from the current account and starve...) so my car will be back on the road tomorrow...
as for work... that is a bit of a dark chapter at the moment...
i am serously considering a new piece of educaion and becoming a teacher but i'm not sure if i at the age of 30 am ready for a four year run of no money and learning... i have to do something tho.. and soon... Maya is beginning to ask why all her clothes have got another girls name in them and i'm feeling horrible every time i look at the best before date on food to see if i can convince the shop to give it to me for free...
not that i feed my child out of date stuff but for some reason i still look... but i haven't sunk low enough to buy out of date stuff yet... i've just been considerign to... and in my books that is bad enough...
i'm spending my evenings knitting while tring to come up with job-scheemes.. i wish i had been given an entrepeneural brain.. there is a prime location available for a shop in my village and i wish i had a dead cert buisness idea to put in there...
anyway...
Laura is arriving in two days and i'll have to finish knitting a pair of woolie mittens by the time she arrives... knowing english winter gear, she probably comes all decked up in acryllic stuff and that will last a grand total of five seconds in norwegian 20-below-frezing-winter in norway... 11月17日 InterviewI've been for a interview today... typial that the interview had to happen the day BEFORE my hair-cut appointment...
and nw... everybody please cross your fingers and toes and any other available appendages.... 11月13日 sigh!i'm out of work but not depressed about it... i'm enjoying the lie ins and having more time to give Maya but the financal side worries me...
i've applied for jobs tho... really good stable ones... and i'm staying positive... something is bound to come along...
Maya has turned into a cat latelly.... as mentioned before... she even has hissy-fits and tantrums as a cat... but she has stopped using a dummy and might be having a reaction to that... the dummy disappeared in a funny kinda way... i don't know if she was aware of giving it up meaning she would actually have to stop using it but after a couple og tough nights we are now slowly forgetting our greatest addiction... i felt sorry for her tho...
we were at the cabin and suddenly she walked outside and she came in with a big grin and said i had to come outside and see.... i came out and she had left her dummy out with the goblins... several times she went out to see if it was still there and in the end i took the dummy in my safe custody out of the wind and that was it... that first night she cried for it but accepted her choice and i bought her a little mermaid DVD to celebrate her growing up... she loved that... but we still had a round of missing the dummy...
i admire her for that tho... she gave up her best frend in the world... she had to do wthout her greatest comfort since she was 12 hours old and suddenly it wasn't there anymore...
i understand her grief and her need to be a baby again... that's why she is a cat... because cats are small and cute, just like she wants to be...
i love her so much... and i try to tell her i love her every day... several times a day... she's such a big girl and so brave. and even tho we are now done with her grieving over the dummy... there were a few nights where she was braver than me... the guilt and feeling like i had personally taken away her most prized possession was horrible... but she was a trooper and now we have been without for almost 3 weeks...
and then there is the neverending story of my lovelife....
after my last attempt at love (which failed miserably earlier this year) i am kinda going veeeerrryy carefully... this guy is very shy but also very intelligent and so i am now fully prepared to bide my time and see where things go.... but as i said... i don't want to interpret it too much at the moment...
i mean... this is after all the guy who invited me to Paris last january and i was stupid enough to turn him down for the charming idiot who turned out to be a demanding and selfish pratt.... which i suppose makes me a bit of a selfish pratt.... but also... i have been e-mailing and facebooking this man for almost a year...so i kinda feel like i'm getting to know him... but that just makes the fact that i durned him down for the other guy even worse coz how shallow does that make me? anyway... he makes me smile and that's enough at the moment... i can wait for a while to let things mature a bit... we went to the opera (yeah i know.. i'm going cultural in my old days) on friday and saw La Boheme... it was beautiful although i was seriously struggling to kep my hands in my lap... for some reason my hands wanted to follow the music (like the conductor...) and i had to keep my mouth shut as well... soo much to take in but it was beautiful, if a bit on the heavy side...
i'm going to the cinema tomorrow daytime with him (and his mother ...yikes...) tomorrow...
10月22日 octoberIt's been a while but i've had a lot on my mind so here goes my update..
the trip to spain went without a hitch... Maya was bored, there wasn't a lot to be done when the weather went gray and windy... she discovered the pool and swimming so when the weather turned we ended up watching a lot of telly with the hosts and laying a stupidly complicated 500piece jigsaw...
but all is good... the ex-in-laws are as keena s ever to stay in touch and that could prove to be a massive bonus in the future... i managed to tell them how disappointed i am in Brett and it turns out he's been screwing them around with money too so they are none to impressed with him either...
but yeah... we might well go back to spain at some point... hopefully in better weather...
i am writing this from work, with seven days left here.. i returned from holiday and my second day back i was given my redundancy notice and an offer of leaving the next day with paid resignation thru October... i decided to stay and now i understand why the offer of leaving right away was given... i feel like a loose end and all motivation is totaly gone...
i got to the big edition of the newspaper on the 15th of October but then the air kinda went out of the balloon and i'm now sat here feeling shattered and just simply wanting to go home...
i've been applying for several jobs tho. one i'm waiting to see if i get called for an interview next week, then there is a local one where i've had a message back acnowledging my application and telling me applications will be dealt with mid november... and there are several others...
i'm aiming left right center high low...
you name it i'm applying for it...
i've even gone for a boss of a clothes shop-job...
we'll see what happens... just now it's tough but i'm doing my best to stay positive and somethign is bound to come my way... i feel a bit silly about my last week at work tho... kinda don't wanna be here but dunno quite how to not be here either...
on the positive side...
i hav e changed the cars tyres... that is... my dad did it for me and i helped... on sunday... and now maya tells me every time we go to the car that our car has got it's winter shoes on...LOl.. she is funny...
she has decided to be a cat latelly so we get a lot of crawling on all fours and miaoing... but it's probably a phse and i see no reason to stop this behaviour... it's a symptom of her happiness and contentment in life and so for the time being i have got a kitten instead of a child...
and i'm still blonde and clumsy...
yesterday i decided to remove all the ash and crap out of my woodburning stove...not so clever.... a cast metal heavy thingimajig is supposed to be lifted out, then a drawer for the ash is supposed to be lifted out and emptied before being put back and the cast bit lowered over it...
so dimwits here lifts the cast iron bit and reaches for the drawer... forgets completely that there is some substantial weight involved with cast metal and of course gets a finger ripped to apsolute shreds!
yesterday my left hand ring finger was totally molested and the tip looked like black pudding. the plaster was changed regularly and i was munching painkillers untill the throbbing drove me nuts and i went to the doctors surgery... they laughed, re-dressed it and told me it would heal well due to fingertips kinda being blood-rich places...
now...you might think i'm overreacting over a squashed fingertip...
but... my fingers are a sensitive subject... in 2002 my sweet little Odin (the Iguana) was a newcomer to our home (precicely 6 years ago on friday thinking about it...) and i was silly enough to take him out in the garden on a leash... he panicked and bit my little finger almost off and as a result i have got a crooked finger... which doesn't bother me apart from the fact i have still got some nerveloss and the finger is constantly crooked... it also works as an excellent barometer and will easily tell me if it will rain or snow...
But... the whole healing process after the biting, with operations and infections has left me very precious about my hands... i don't mind injuries but when i do injure them i get all scared about loosing them or infections and all that stuff... it's bad enough with one naff finger.. i don't want another one...
but the throbbing in my finger has now subsided to a liveable level even if it makes me wince every time i touch something with it...
yeah i know... whinge moan sob sulk... et.c....
so what else is there?
i don't know if i dare say too much but i do have a bit of a smile going on despite the job and the finger... the reason is a man and i am a bit confused about the whole issue coz for the first time in my life i have fallen for personality before looks... he has got the eyes, the butt, the body and all that but it just all seems irrellevant because of who he is... there is a living intellect and an interest in the world going on that really has me properly hooked... and it's so weird to think that i miss talking to him more than i miss seeing him... i'm used to falling for looks, but this time looks are totally irrellevant and he could have an extra arm for all i care...
so far it looks good but i'm not going to say anything else about anything quite yet...
all i know is that he has become special to me and he makes me smile...
Maybe i'm just growing up? 9月19日 trippin..life s good...
Maya and mamma are going on a holiday to spain to see her grandparents... and now that the car is packed and we are ready to go.... " should have brought that dress intea" or "did i buy the right kind of sunblock?"
the suitcase is only about half full so we could bring more but i was hoping to buy some stuff while we're there too... sandals for Maya and presents... we have loads of people to write postcards for too...
i'm nervous tho... i'll be with people wo should hate me for leaving their son and the last time i saw them i was a nervous underdog wreck and now i'm an indeppendent woman... but i am there for Maya... she has every right in the world to get to know her family and that is exactly what we will be there for...
i will focus all my attention on her, she will not leave me and i will not leave her... i will rather leave a booked restaurant and go home t get her to bed than stay there to be polite... the quesada is not that big... i will in any cae bring a buggy... she is a bit big to be sat in it but for evenings and long walks in the heat it might be good and the airport is a hellhole without the possibillity of strapping her in...
she is a good girl generally it's just that there have been so much going on with child snatchers and stuff abroad that i want her where i can see her... 9月10日 i get by with a little help from... my readersi need my honorable readers to give me their oppinions about something kinda important today...after more than a year of next to no contributions towards Maya's welfare other than a horribly sarcastic christmas card, brett slammed the phone down on me in March for me refusing to let Maya attend his wedding in june without me.
i was not going to ruin his day, but neither was i going to hand my daughter over to the care of people she has never met (the bride) or people she hasn't met in a year or more and wouldn't know anymore...
anyway...
so after six months of NO contact... not even a text message or a card for her birthday, he sent me an e-mail last week...
I have sent pictures of Maya every month or so since May to keep him updated... because i'm a nice person... and he is after all her father...
but the e-mail i got back goes as such:
"hi thank you for the pictures of maya it was nice to receive some after such a long while. was you thinking of visiting the UK any time soon ? as you can appreciate i have not seen my daughter since the day you left and I'm sure you would not like to be in my shoes ! we are all very happy and healthy after enjoying a holiday in the sun Brett" Now then... what do i reply to such a "caring and considerate" message? i think i can quite honestly say i have never in my life received a more selfcenteredly formulated e-mail and so i have three options for a reply... and a few criteria... i wanna be straight foreward, NOT sarcastic or ironic (which is veeeerrry difficoult) and i want to point out that he has chosen not to be in touch... Now, my faithful readers, could you please read the following options and vote 1, 2 or 3 to let me know which i should send. otherwise formulated replies may also be accepted...
option 1: (a mite to sarcastic and gives waaay to much information in my oppinion, but sharp enough)
in reply to your question, due to a lack of remaining holidayentitlement we will not be going to England this year.
I would have liked to see both Kerry's and Maryanne's new baby daughters as well as Andy and Laura's flat and visit Lena. i'd have loved to see everybody i cared about but our holiday this year was spent decorating and moving into our flat.
we also can not afford to go anywhere due to buying the flat and a car this year which as you can imagine adds to the general expences and also only having my wages limits spending somewhat.
we will for my last remaining week of holiday be going to Spain after being invited to come for a visit.
Your parents and sister have been taking an active interest in Maya and we were pleased to be invited at a time when we can meet Kay and John as well.
other than that, we are well, thanks for asking... maya is loving nursery and speaks a mile a minute. I have a great job and i'm halfway thru writing my novel as well as painting pictures to order, so all in all life is good...
we are very much looking foreward to Laura and Andy possibly coming to visit us this winter and also a few of my uni-mates from KIAD will be coming to visit so it will be good seeing them all again.
as for being in your shoes.. i honestly think you are quite happy wearing them...they fit you, low maintenance and lack of interest was always your style.... you chose those shoes, so please don't complain to me if they have bits that chafe...
option 2:
well to be honest we are spending the last remaining accrued holliday week in Spain.
I am surprised that you after such a long time do not ask a single question about Maya's health or development.
In those three lines i can not see a single concern for her, only for yourself.
In all other regards than the purely genetically you have not added anything to our lives since we moved and so i am struggling to see why you after such a long time is sending an e-mail.
therefore, i will reccomend that you re-read your own words before you write to us again.
do you really think that you, after not sending as much as a card for Maya's birthday, can ask for, well to be honest i'm not sure if you're after pity, sympathy or envy... but you are not getting either of those from me.
our last remaining holliday week this year will be spent in Spain.
i will continue to send pictures as before and as mentioned before, you and your family are welcome to come and see us in Norway.
option 3:
with regards to your e-mail:
we have booked a week in Spain, which will be my last accrued weeks of holiday this year.
in your e-mail you don't show any interest or concern for Maya's welfare and development. I am honestly quite surprised at this.
with regards to your shoes, you know as well as i do that you have created your own situation. i refuse to be given the responsibilllity for your life and choices anymore, and your level of involvement with Maya is purely your own choice. i can not force you to keep contact and so far I have been given no reason to want to.
Maya and i have built a stable life and for her development and security, i wish to keep it stable.
Basically what i'm trying to say is, either you stay in touch or you stay out of touch. random e-mails does not count as regular contact.
now... let the games begin....
anybody with a gift for the written are welcome to sugest other replies... 9月2日 inspiration?i'm sat here with my novel in front of me and can't think of a single thing to write...
i love writing.... it feels right to be putting words on a screen and know it makes sense..
and tonight i sat down with an aim to write down a sequence that has been playing in my head lately... but it doesn't fit into the story where i have put it and because it's a lovely little sequence i wanna keep it..
but that means shifting a plot point... and another and another.. and one of the sentences that needs to be moved is a pivotal sentence for the whole rest of the story...aaaarrrggghhh
i will get there tho... i will...
still need a title...
now... CSI and then bed... i will give up on my book for tonight... it will still be there when inspiration strikes...
late at nght is not my most creative time..
od i wish i could be rich enough for one day a week at home to write... and one day a week alone with Maya and the three workingdays remaining i'd spend at work...
although work is getting better...
my general mood is better... but i won't tell you why.
Louise... if you read this... Yep... there certainly is a backside but not a downside...LOL 8月26日 My new idol!Keely Shaye Smith, wife of actor Pierce Brosnan has been on Hawaii and for some reason the evil fashion-mob can't handle a curvcious woman...
her husband is famous so effectively, by proxy, she is... so the paparazzi follow them, get their pics and sell the photos to magazines who downright bully the poor woman...
she is a gorgeous woman... and she is married to a hunk of a god of a man...
Keely Shaye Smith has it all!
and she looks perfectly normal to me... Her BMI is probably better than mine...
but they call her a whale and other evil names....
but she isn't fat!
she is perfectly average and obviously muscular and fit!
i mean... ou don't go surfing in Hawaii witout some pysical strength... you simply don't...
i think it is jealousy form a bunch of malnourished and seriously underfed magazine editor bitches who can't tolerate that one of the world's official sex-symbols loves a woman of smore physical substance than what those magazine editors are trying their best to push us into believing is "correct"....
WHY?
Why should we have to live by a standard of beauty thet is so far from healthy that the models portraying this ideal are so underfed that they don't even have the energy to smile...
enough stupidity people! no real person looks like that...
there was even a story about a brazilian model who gave birth last sunday and is still booked to walk the christmas show for Victoria's secret!!!
she should be at home with her Baby!
enjoying being a mum! not spending hours in the gym to be ready for five minutes on the catwalk...
it's not healthy for mum or baby...
I want to see Keely on the next HM billboard!
she is gorgeous, always smiling and absolutely a living proof that you don't have to be skinny to be happy!
and her husband, the Oh-so-beautful Pierce-x-bond, always looks at her as if she is a goddess...
I LOVE her!
i'm too skinny right now.... i was not comfortable at my biggest and i'm not comfortable right now... i need to find my balance and when i do... i would like to wak into the world, head lifted high, just like Keely Shaye Smith!
8月21日 money...there is this little issue in my life at the moment called money...
it is ruining my life
i should be at my absolutelly very happiest ever at the moment...
i have my own home and my daughter is happy. we have managed to get thru a year on our own, with good help from my sister and parents i am back on top and life should be sweet...
I like myself, i am looking at life with a smile whereas last year everyhing looked black...
my immunedefence has always sucked so that isn't a problem... i can live with a stuffy head...
but then there's the money...
Being ill makes me feel awful about missing work and so i go to work and all the air goes ut of me halfway thru the morning and the energy is all but spent by mid day coz my body this week is focusing all it's got on breathing...
i am earning wages by provision and neeless to say... i am not earning a lot being ill, but neither do i earn a lot turning up at various businesses wheezing like a whalruss or looking pale...
but that is temporary untill i get better...
the pressure to earn and my total phobia of rejection is doing my head in at the moment and i need some kind of a solution...
fact is i'm not a seller-type of person...in fact, i was rubbish at selling wine when i worked at a off-licence in England...
i am downright terrified of people... i mask it well but the fact that they might say no for some reason is my biggest block...
I really don't know what to do because i like my colleagues and working where i am pretty much guarantees my novel being published...
but those are pretty weak reasons to stay when i actually feel like i'm letting the whole newspaper down by sheer fright and Maya and I can't survive on the crap kind of cash i seem to be bringing in at the mo...
i think it's belt tightening time untill a rich sugardaddy or a clever solution comes along...
and nope... i haven't given up on the lottery.... 8月19日 ILLso why is it that i feel like shite just when i need money?
i'm on provision wages and get paid according to how much i manage to pull in... needless to say.... i don't like that bit coz every time i get a NO when i ask someone to advertise i feel like i'm letting the whole comany down... effectively, my effort pays for the newspaper to keep going...
i'm not a natural seller... i wanna be a creator and i get to make the adverts sometmes which is good, but most of the time it's all about the selling and the averts come in ready made...
so basically...
here i am.... red nose, dry chest and throat and feeling guilty as hell for the fact that i am not at work... oh i tried this morning... came in for 8am as usual... i lasted untill 9am when my brain seemed to shrink and my view of the world became blurry...
i had to go home to sleep and when i woke i actually considered going back to work but it would be useless as i had a fever last night and i'll prob have another bout again tonight... my back, knees, hips and elbows ache... which generally means a fever is present... i just don't want another lot of antibitics...
i just wish i could feel ill with a clean concience... it'sot liek i'm faking it but still i feel as tho i should soldier on and stop whingeing, but when i do start something i run out of energy really quicky...
yeh..
whinge
Moan
that's me...
if someone needs a headache, some snot or viruses, i have plenty... get in touch and i'll send some...totally free of chage... i'll be glad to get rid of it...
on the plus... a friend wants one of my paintings... he said he'll pay for it but i'm really pleased that someone cares enough to want my stuff on the wall so he will be given a Marit Original as a gift...
he is after all taking me to the opera in November to see LaBoheme...
we'll see where it all leads...
... 8月13日 ex-wedding pics so today went as normal apart from one thing... i got to see Brett's wedding photos... he got married on the 29th June, 4 days short of my one year aniversary for leaving... I'm not upset about it... i just find it a bit weird that less than a year after he begged me for one last session in the bedroom he's married someone else... and it's a bit of a weird thing as well coz i was engaged to him and we were going to tie the knot in September 2008 so there is that little nugget, but i discoered today how OK i am with it all... i was nervous to see the pics i will admit. i was scared i might feel upset or sad or regret but in fact i didn't feel any of that at all... i looked thru the pics and i hnesly didn't recognize the man i spent 7 years with... i mean... should i not still think he's handsome? well i don't... he doesn't look like i rememer at all... and in the photos, being as i did spend so many years with him i recognize his facial expressions even if i don't feel any familiarity with it, i think he looks smug, not happy... and he's become fat!!! well... not fat but certainly a fair bit pudgier than last time i saw him... not like i restricted his food portions or anything but still... she is a different chapter alltogether... i don't know her at all but a 43 year old mother of 3 getting married in bright white??? did i miss an important bit here? like has all the "rules" for weddings change? and Brett used to tell me he was aginst all the tradition wedding stuff and there he is... in full regalia at the most formal place in Kent getting married in what looks like a church!!! well mate, she's certainly got you well and truly under her thumb hasn't she....hehe i'm such a bitch! yeah i'm completely slating it all right now and it might be that the photos got to me a bit but there is not a single one of all those photos i would hang on my wall... i was honestly hoping for one photo i could get for Maya to show her the new step-family but there is not a single one of those photos i think does either of them any favours... but basically... seeing the photos proved to me how finished i am with him... i feel nothing but a slight aversion twards him and i suspect that aversion will turn into apathy in time... and yeah, i'm relieved as well... relieved becase i no longer have to worry about getting upset and relieved because i can feel smug about knowing i'm the "prettier ex" and i'm relieved that i can look at those photos and think "thank GOD that's not me!!!" he's not my problem anymore and thank god for that.... 8月10日 growing up babyi've never let Maya out of my reach... in thought or in action... a few times she has been with my parents or before that her dad while i've been busy and i'm having such a hard time letting her go...
i mean... when we lived in England she was too tiny to go out and play plus the fact we lived on a road that was heavily trafficed by speeding cars and i was scared to walk that road myself and would certainly never have let a 1 year old wander in on her own... add to it the fact that we didn't really have anybody to come and play other than the neighbours and everybody else were other mum-child combo's that came in cars or we drove to see them... the kids were never left unsupervised or to their own devices because they were simply too small at the time... then we moved to Norway and we've lived the last year with my parents where there were other kids but none came on the door to ask for Maya and if we went out to play i would always go with her because visiting friends was always a bit of a walk away....
Now we live in an area packed with kids. one of them is a 4 year old girl who Maya has become friends with very fast and this evening i've realized I have not been the mother Maya deserves and i have been very close to making choking attempts at their friendsip...
they have only been friends a bit less than two weeks but something about this girl has been grating me...
i wrote about her two entries ago with the toothpaste incident but there are a few things i honestly don't like about this girl... firstly... she comes in here without ringing the doorbell and uses our flat as if she had every rights here as she does at home...and... she keeps asking to stay for dinner and refuses to leave when we have our meals and she wants to spend every waking minute with Maya....
they are in the same group at nursery and so they see eachother all day there. her mum sais she has a jealous/posessive streak tho...
but still
i have realied tonight that i have been approaching it a bit wrong...
i have been playing with them as i would with Maya... suggesting games and showing them how to do things... that is... i have been showing Maya how to do things and not including her friend...
i still feel it's a bit presumptuous of the girl to come wandering in and to stand at our table as we're trying to eat and also to come wandering in as we're settling for the night and simply help herself to whatever is on the table...
i have also got some substantial stains on my seatee from her visit on friday when most of maya's portion of watermelon disappeared in the time it took maya to eat two pieces...
what i have been doing is interfering in their friendship... trying to limit their interaction... i have thought i was being honest when i told her mum i'd be happy if they didn't spend all their time together and that i thought her daughter was quite domineering... but she is the youngest of three and a whole year older than Maya so of course she'll be more dominating than what i'm used to with Maya... I tend to put Maya on a pedestall and think she's brighter and more selfassured than what she actually is... or at least what she is wth this new friend... she's a total doormat with the new girl...
honestly, i still think Maya and i need a LOT of time alone to get used to living together on our own and having this girl there constantly kinda interferes in that... she has now been told to ring the doorbell rather than just barge in and to respect our privacy.
i will tomorrow set down some ground rules...if not i will end up feeling like i don't own my own home...
i can't sit in on their friendship and try to steer it like i have been doing... i have to let Maya live her own life and choose her own friends...
but i can give them clear rules for mine and Maya's home....
from now on... they will see eachother at nusery and if it suits all parties for a while at home.... but after 5pm Maya will be at home winding down for bedtime at 7. that way i get some time with Maya as well and Maya gets to keep her old routine of dinner-bath-kidsTV-cuddles-bed.
the neighbour girl will not be allowed in here after 5 as i believe Maya and I need that time together.
i just can't afford to loose her.... she is everythign to me and my time with her is so precious. i'm at work all day and all i do is think of her and when i get home i have 4 hours (if i'm lucky) to make up for lost time at work....
i just wish i could work 3 days a week and spend the rest with her because i feel as if time is running away from me... soon she'll be so big she won't need me anymore and now she has her own friends that time seems all the closer...
i don't begrudge her her friendship... i just need to find a way to be her mum and her most important support without meddling too much...
I want her to have friends but not just the one friend which it seems to be at the moment... and i want her to be sure of herself and her oppininions, enough so to say NO to things she doesn't want to do....
i have disliked a 4 year old girl due to elements in her personality that grate with me, which has been unfair... i have to step back and allow Maya to develop a real friendshp with her without me intefering...
and i hope more than anything that Maya will find other kids to play with as well as this girl... and exclusive friendship is my worst nightmare... she was so good at her last nursery at playing with pretty much everybody and she thrived on that freedom... i just hope she can do this again at this nursery...
Yeah... this girl controls the friendship and dominates Maya at the mo, but i have realized tonight that it's not my job to interfere with that... my job is to assure Maya of her own authority and step back to let them play... and hope Maya holds her oppinions better than her mum does...
and most importantly.... i have got to let Maya go... and that's the bit i find so hard...
i have lost two babies before havng her and one after and i can't bear the thought of lettign her out of my sight in case something bad should happen to her...
i have got to learn to let go, to trust her and allow her some indeppendence...
i just don't know how to make this easier for myself... because it is so damned hard.. but i know i'll have to give her the freedom she needs to develop without my influence...
i just don't want to... not yet... she's still so small and i know she won't gain any real life experience just hanging out with me.... i just want some more time before lettign her go... a few more months before i let her grow up into the next stage of childhood...
but the time has come and other than making clear rules there is nothing i can do...
My baby isn't a baby anymore.... she's becomng her own person with her own life and some parts of that life just doesn't include me anymore... 8月8日 the authori've just spent 4 hours writing. i am still working on that novel and it had better be a best seller....
i mean if i'm sat here actually crying for the characters as i'm writing their storyline, the readers must find it emotional too right?
i've been crying for them all evening and i can't see a happy ending without ruining the entire plot...aaarrrgghh... but it's a good kinda sad... coz it makes me feel as tho the characters are real and i'm just recording what they are doing...
i wish i could write all the time...
i wish that was my job...
but i don't have a shinto shrine i can go into and clap before the gods so i will just contine to write when i have occasion to and hope that my novel will attract some attention...
what annoys me tho is that when i'm writing my brain kinda moves a bit faster than my fingers... sure, i'm gettign into the habit of it now and when i've got going my fingers fly, but as it is there are more spellingmistakes per page than on translated chinese resturantsigns...
i'm not that worried apart from when i go to read something back and it doesnt make sense coz of all the missing letters.. and then it takes ages to f it while i still have the paragraph or page fresh in my head...
ah well.. the story is taking shape... we're looking at 45 pages at the moment but it's only first draft and if i write every tuesday evening and whenever ideas jump on me, i will soon have a fairly good startingpoint for first edit...
never mind the fact that i'm still writing it in English and there is still the translating to be done.. if a norwegian publisher is to print it for a norwegian market then it's a major plus if it's in Norwegian right?
ah well... now there is sleep to be had...
and dreams about my novel as there always is when i've had a heavy writing session like i have tonight...
hopefully i will dream the filling for some of my plot-holes.... 8月3日 Flaming kids!Maya and a neighbour girl were here yesterday and played wonderfully together while i was assembling a flat packed TV-bench thing...
Yes i really did!
on my own!
with no powertools!
and only muscles (and a screwdriver and hammer)!
and without having to re-do any of it!
with a 3 year old and a 4 year old running around the lounge while i worked!
Impressed men line up to the right, women need not apply as they would have either shouted for a man to do it or chased the kids out of the room or both....
anyway... as i was happily working, supplying the kids with drinks and biscuits on a regular basis and sorting out disagreements at frequent intervals the two little terrors decided they needed a wee... of course as kids do they disappeard into the bathroom together and before long i heard a few giggles and some silence. those two had emptied half my tube of toothpaste and two thirds of Maya's brand new toothpaste into one of maya's bath toys, mixed in some hairconditioner and had a right giggle... i went sparko... i thankfully kept my wits and carefully ut firmly explained that there would be no sweets in this house this weekend due to Maya now not having any toothpaste to clean her teeth with.
the neighbor girl was very and suspiciously quick to claim total innocence which i bought for a total of two seconds. i could only punish Maya as she is my daughter, but she is no longer allowed to squeze toothpaste onto her own brush or brush he own teeth. we also made a HUUUGE point of not buying sweets and i did take loads of time to explain why this little stunt was wrong without trying to emphasize the money issue too much... at 3 i think she's a bit too young to be responsible for any financial losses.
i did however throw the bath toy and give them both a clear telling off and instructons that for future loo-visits in my house, they will not go in together without an adult!
Maya knows she did wrong and cried this morning when i said she couldn't brush her own teeth. she did let me do it tho, and this evening she gave me a really miserable look and asked meekly how long it would be untill she could brush her own teeth again.
she never actually brushes her own teeth... i brush them and then she gets to hold the toothbruh for a while and "brush"... but that little piece of "doing it myself" has been removed and i think that was a serious knock for her....
she will be allowed to brush her own teeth again and some point tho... i have always given her independence and self reliance.... i might relent a bit in about a week.. just to get the point in...
the neighbour girl asked me not to tell her mum because her mum would get angry and lock her in her room... now firstly i don't meddle in other people's childraising, and second i know the mum is big on grounding but she won't lock her in so i told the mum and of course she said the daughter had done the toothpaste stunt beore... I bloody well knew Maya couldn't have thought of a stupid thing like that...
she is generally really good at not gettign into mischief... not due to lack of opportunity, but i have heard her say to other kids that "i'm not allowed" if they have suggested somethign she doubts the cleverness of... even if it has never been mentoioned before...
i don't mean for Maya to live in a mischief-vacuum... she will do wrong, and all kids do... i just want to make sure she knows there are consequenses and that she might think twice before doing it...
she has been sheltered all her life. she's been with me and i have protected her...
as her social circle grows so will the desire to do as they do grow...
in some ways it's a bit strange having her grow away from me and prefering other people over me and making new friends...
i'm a bit jealous... but all i can do is be the best mother i can and loosen my grip on her gradually as she gets older...
she is a sensible 3 year old... there is no reason why she should not be a sensible adult at the end of this.. 7月30日 feeling hotthe weather has been glorious for the past week and is supposed to stay as such for the next week... i still have untill friday as my official holiday but then Maya doesn't start her new nursery untill tuesday so i have to take Monday as a moving day and tuersday/wednesday as a get-used-to-nursery thing... soon it will be autumn, then winter and i have many months of financial strggle to look foreward to... this house lark isn't easy but i will keep this flat or die trying...
maybee not that drastically but i'm not gonna sell this flat without a fight...
i live here now...
i don't really need anything as it goes... i have my car, my home, my girl and my self respect...
on some level i am kinda ready to fall in love again tho... but not the heady teenage-type-love... i want somethign a bit more serius this time around... something that will last, that is based on mutual respect and friendship rather than pure physical attreaction... so far so good... where do i find a suiteable candidate i wonder?
let's start with a list of crieria:
looks?
not important... i tend to like blue eyes but if we say nice, kind eyes, and leave it at that i think we have pretty much covered looks...
as for other stuff... that is important so let's be sensible here...
he has got to:
be mature enough to allow me to look, speak and dress the way i feel comfortable with but still support me thru my insecurities and allow me my quirks and sillyness without patronizing or embarrassment
be secure in himself so that he doesn't get offended if i need to spend time with Maya or on keeping the flat looking tidy, but also be withus in an including and real way without making a show of it.
be adult enough to share the cooking and hommeaking. if i'm earning less than him it doesn't mean i do less or contribute less or am more at home...
be independent enough to realize we don't need to live in eachothers pockets, we can still do our own thing if we want to.
be sure of what he wants with me, if he wants to change me or my prorities he can think again...
and most importantly: he has got to be someone i can trust, like my best friend and be interested in me before my body... Ok so the being lovers and friends bit is a bit of a kliche, but it is true... who are you going to spend your old age with? someone who wants your thoughts or who wanted your body and now can't stand you coz it's changed? i want a man who can challenge my mind, who i can laugh with and cry with when i need to... someone who won't need me to tell him the whole story because he understands anyway but he lets me talk when i need to but won't push when i'm not ready... i want someone who wants me for me and doesn't want to change me into some ideal in his head... i want a companionship and mutual respect that i have seen in other couples. they may fight like demons in private but they still return to the love and small gestures thru the day to make the other one feel special, seen, wanted... but without crowding eachother... how do people do that? show attention without totally occupying the other person... i will of course try to offer the same back to him..
i'm not in a hurry to find a man... i really am not... i am quite happy being single but on some level, it would be nice to find that person ho can make me feel at home, who will let me be silly, who will allow for my tase in music whout grumbling, who will fit...
so what brought this on? well... to be honest... my new next door neghbor...
he is a single man with two natural kids and a ex-stepdaughter... thing is... his step-daugther visits him on a reular basis as she would a real dad even tho he's not with her mum aymore... her mum is the mother of his two kids (i think) so he's been in her life for most of her life and she treats him with a familiarity i would love to give Maya... i would love more than anything to find a man who could be a good and stable step-father for her. will look very carefully and i won't settle for anything less than right... he has got to be worthy of us...
my neighbour has obviously split with the teen-girl's mum but he's still a very important person for her and i just love that whole idea...
in any case... i hopei can find someone at some point... i might not find him for a few years... or at all for that matter, or he may allready be in my life... it' just nice to think that the right man for me (and maya) exists out there somewhere and may at this moment be waiting for a sin from me...LOL
eternal romantic i am... 7月24日 wonky headso for once i miss having a man at hand...
Maya and i have been at a local bathing pond today and i have managed to lock my neck... as in completely unable to turn my head to the left... at all!!! and as a result i have range of movement of about 10% on my left arm... i need a massage!!!!
or a neckbrace...
and a splodge on my shoulders/back is bright pink due to a birth defect that has given me waaayy too short arms to get sunscreen on my back...
i will get a shower as soon as i've written this. and on as far as i can reach, the richest cream in my bathroom cupboard will be applied then i will swallow a couple of painkillers and head to bed.... i had forgotten how knackering the sunshine can be but i'm in no way complaining... we have had enough rain.... i love the sunshine... i just don't like my human deficiently incompetent arms... i think spray suncream will be a goood investment... and possibly a neckbrace... and some aloe vera gel...
edit:
i am sat here with a blue towel around me smeared in blueberry bodybutter smelling and looking like a giant blueberry....
i can't get comfy..
my neck still hurts but after three types of painkillers i am not sure i'm allowed a whisky to lull me off to sleep...
ah well.. i never really liked my liver anyway...
Cheerio miss sophie... 7月19日 sugar and spice and everything nice...to my great joy Maya has found some friends in the neighborhood... problem is, they are apparently allowed to stay up rather late n the evenings and so i feel like a right cow coming to collect her off the fun trampoline at 7.30pm for her bedtime...
another of the joys of motherhood i suppose... bring on a couple of decades of being distinctly uncool...
but then again she has been so unsettled this week that i have to use these next couple of weeks on getting us both into a routine. I'm useless at being authoritarian without feeling like i'm evil or exagerating the point and she is hopeless at following instrucions so its a bit of a tug-of-war at times but i've decided that if i spend a lot of time on cuddles, reading and good things then i can allow mself to be strict at bedtimes and about housework.
the housework bit is my problem, not hers... she is three years old and eager to help but her running off with the mop or the loobrush to clean windows is kinda not helpful... neither is getting into a total strop when she is offered a dry-static mop instead of the wet one or is told that "we don't need a whole bottle of spray into the toilet sweetie"...
we'll get there tho... we just have to get back into the "superteam"-mentality that we had before my somewhat quiet nervous breakdown last year... i honestly think that's what happened to me coz i've never been that unhinged before...
funny girl... she just got out of bed again.. for about the fifieth time this evening, even after reading of a book and sining of several songs...
today i put some fly-sticky stuff on her window and suddenly she was stood here looking at me accusingly holding her fingers out in front of her saying: "mamma, why is there glue on the window? glue doesn't live there you know. it should be in my art box with the colours and stuff you know!!!"
i had to stop myself from giggling again at her maturity and wash her hands before putting her to bed in her fully lit room with her open cutains with the threat of no sticker on the chart tomorrow... i did turn out the lights and close the curtains tho...
we have a new stickerchart rule to try to ease the bedtimes a bit. one sticker for sleeping in her bed, two stickers for sleeping in her own bed all night...
that way she still has the opportunity of retreating into my bed in the night if she needs to but an incentive to stay in her own... i do realize her need for safety and security on top of the complications surrounding independence i am doing all i can to provide stability and safety in her life. that is why we are not going away for a holiday this year. we are staying right here to get ued to our new home and only having the company of eachother agin, like we used to...
we did have a long cha toay about that and i think we're pretty much agreed on the making it work thing... it's just the method that is missing from the madness at the moment...
we have also been adopted by a whie cat... it lives on my garden furniture... i don't quite know what it expects from us... but it comes wandering in uninvited and jumps up on our laps as soon as we sit outside... it's lovely to feel welcomed by the local population tho...LOL 7月13日 home sweet homethis is such a weird feeling...
i'm sat in my own lounge, on a seatee i have chosen, my laptop resting on a table i have bought myself (and my mum has assembled for me) the colour on the wall is one i chose (and my parents painted onto the wall) and a few meters away is my kitchen, my fridge, and the rest of my own home...
i love my parents for all thet they do and all that they are... we've been living with them for a year, Maya and I. they have supported me and helped me and now that the flat finally became mine they were here and decorated and assembled furniture and ran around shops for me while i was at work...
what i'm trying to say is...
it is weird...My parents have decorated but it still feels like it's mine!
My home.
MY furniture!
my money from now on going towards bills that are mine and food to be eaten by me and Maya...
i love having my own place. i am shitscared of the financial side of things but i am determined to make this work!
we spent our first night here Thursday and allready i feel like this is home... i live here now... all my stuff is out of boxes and more or less sorted into their respective cupboards... and that is where they will stay... for a looong time!
i will write my novel and earn millions, i will take on english students for tuition and i will do everything in my power to stay here in this flat for as long as i can.
I have earnt the money to afford a mortgage, i have saved to be able to afford all these things and i am so proud of myself!
Maya is settling really well too and today when we went to look at her new nursery she finally twigged that she as going to live here and that just made me so happy.
i actually cried yesterday.. real tears of happiness as i locked the door to go out and play with my lovely daughter...
my key has become my talisman, my good-luck charm because it represents all that i have acheived in a year.
i came home last year, spent, worn out, spineless and with my nerves on the outside. i managed to get a job, and now i have a house and a car and the determination to straighten my back and go the full hog to make Maya's childhood as good as i can.
her dad can jump thru all the beaurecratic hoops he wants to try to worm out of paying the maintenance, sooner or later he will realize the real cost, and i will be sat here knowing i did it all myself...even if i did do it on a tight budget and couldn't give her the latest fashion or the most expensive holidays... she will get all the love i can give her, all the values she will need and the selfconfidendence to manage on her own!
screw the world... Maya and i have got a home!!!
our own home! 7月9日 wolf wolfso another norwegian wolf has been rude enough to breed.... six little cubs have turned up in Rendalen in Norway to the mayor's great concern....
he quotes the government dicicion to limit the wolves in Norway to 3 breeding pairs as if this is fact... i'm sorry mate but the wolves CAN'T READ!!! How the hell are they supposed to know that they aren't allowed to have cubs?
is it just me or is this getting a bit stupid?
this is an endangered species along with bears and wolverines and people wanna kill them because they *might* in the *future* kill sheep.
Ok... i will admit that wolves are quite likely to kill a couple of sheep, but the farmers get the dead sheep compensated by the government so i don't honestly see the problem... besides... how about reinstating the old tradition of herdsmenn and women? enough students would probably benefit greatly from a summer in the woods with a flock of bleating idiots coz -let's face it- that's what sheep are...
i vote for keeping the wolves and culling a few people instead... reinstate a bit of balance to mother nature...
and leave the poor wolves alone and stop culling wolverines in their winter sleep. wolverines usually go for smaller animals anyway. and don't assume a bear is going to attack because 95% of bears won't eat meat, so chances are your sheep are relatively safe... despite their own bloody stupidity!
By the way mr Mayor Norvald Illevold of Rendalen Norway.... do you go moosehunting or grousehunting in the autumn? i bet you do... and do you kill these animals because you have to? because your family are hungry? nope, didn't think so...
now then...
mr wolf. why do you hunt? for sport? coz that's what the dimwits in their offices seem to think...
god! people make me seriously angry... 7月4日 Dimwitsso there i was driving along in my nice new yellow car in the sunshine baking as you would in the sunshine with no air-con... so down i rolled the window (yes my car is totally electronics free so i rolled it down manually) and drove on... after a bit i stopped at the place where i was going and went into the shop... came out a few minutres later and got into the car... on the radio was "living on a prayer" so what do i do? oh yes... what any self respecting fan would do... i cranced up the volume and as i sat waiting to get onto the road i was singing along...
across the main road was another car waiting to get on the main road too and he kept looking at me strangely for a while before he started laughing. i just observed, thinking he was listening to something on the radio untill he and i looked at eachother at the same time and he lifted his hands above the steeringwheel and aplauded...
so the big question is... what did Marit do? get embarrassed and stop singing? speed off as fast as my 75 horses could take me?
oh no... i turned the volume up even more and sang louder with a massive grin on my face feeling like a right idiot but not wanting to admit defeat.... thankfully he was going south and i was going north so i didn't have an audience for too long...
i love having a car... but i have to start thinking about the fact that other people can see me picking my nose or scratching my arse while i'm driving... not to mention hear me singing along to the radio! 7月2日 i have a flat!!!i picked up the keys last night and right now while i'm at work my parents have started the decorating....
i don't know what to say other than i'm dreading the mortgage payments...LOL
i love it tho... it will be fantabulous....
but now: back to work... let's earn some money so i can afford to keep my home... 6月27日 the most expensive week of my lifemaya celebrated in style yesterday... biiig party at nursery, family at home and rounded off with a phonecall from her english granddad... i started today by being furious at the other end of her DNA contribution for not even as much as phoning... i mean... who the hell does he think he is?
i am so angry with him for not sending as much as a text or a card for her birthday... i haven't asked him for anything other than the maintenance (which is now being sorted thru the government and he is even lying to them to try to worm out of paying) and she's not had anything other than a very snide christmascard from him since september. and last night Paul (ex father in law, Maya's granddad) rang before she went to bed and she spoke to him, telling him in Norwegian that "i'm 3 years today and it's my birthday and i've had presents and we are eating cake" and when we'd finished chatting she said "i spoke to him and he spoke in english" with a big grin... but then as she had gotten into bed i praised her for being so good on the phone and she said "i can't sleep now because my daddy will ring too soon." and i couldn't look her in the eyes... all i could say was that i would wake her if he did...
I am absolutely gutted on her behalf... it doesn't cost much to send a card... he didn't even send a christmas present and to be honest i think i have let him easily off the hook. i haven't asked him for a lot and he has done even less. he wasn't very involved as a parent when we lived together but i never even dreamed he'd completely forget or deilberately neglect...It's not even about the money... it's about showing that he cares! even so, ex father in law said he's struggling financially, but i bet he still can afford all his toys and spending money on himself and his own intrests as usual... i just wish he could grow some responsibility... Maya deserves better than this. anyway..
today I bought a car...
 it is a bright Yellow Seat Cordoba 1.6 Verso and it is beutiful...
it might attract attention for being yellow but inside there are no funny business. there are next to no electronics, no loose bits or extras that can go wrong, just a basic fun-to-drive and reliable car... i love it allready!
i paid a fair sum for it but i believe i got a good deal... and it took a pretty chunk out of my savings but this is what i had been saving for so even tho i'm not used to or even comforable with spending that much money in one hit i am happy with my purchase...
on Monday the feared and loved mortgage is poking its head into my bank account for about five minutes before taking the journey off to the estate agents and from thre off ot the flat-seller... another HUUUGE chunk of money is also disappearing out of my account to cover administration and some of the purchase... so from feeling kinda rich latelly i will soon be sat with a mortgage and next to no money, but i will be independent and self reiant which at the end of the day is what i have been dreaming of...
we're off to the cabin tomorrow with the grand help of our new and funky Seat... for the midsummer party.... my parents are allready there and my sis is going up after work... i do worry sometimes that my sister will get herself on some kind of disability in the end... it is one bloody thing after another with her...
she achieves a very solid degree in nursing, works in intensive care, gets exzema and has to take sickleave... the money people reckons she's not qualified for any financial support so she struggles on and begins a new education which they won't support coz it's not what they reccomened... anyway... she is now one year off a degree as a sign language interpreter... this winter she came off the snowmobile with maya and twisted a knee... after some suspicion of it being tendons or ligamnents or some other soft tissue tear or damage she is now on antibiotics for an infection in there... she's in pain and worries about not being able to do her job at a sensory loss place for old people...
now....
her job sounds like a bit of crazy-days... you get a home for old people with varying degrees of mental deterioration... they wander around like old senile people do all confused and a bit upset... throw some sensory loss in there and some people who have had sensory loss all their lives who are now also loosing their mental capabilities and you have got yourself a perfect litle house of mayhem... or so i imagine...
she seems to enjoy her work tho... and i can understand that because my baby sis is very good at being calm and logical when the world makes no sense... she is the number one choice of who i would stay close to during an emergency of any description... even if armageddon/ragnarok/end of days arived she would probably be the one to calm individual people down rather than trying to escape or lead the crowd... she would tend to the individuals... and tell them just what they need to hear...
anyway..
donnie darko is ready for me to press play on the remote so i had beter leave it there...
My life is finaly getting itself into order...
and i love it...
next week or the week after i will be sat in my own home, in my own livingroom with my own car parked outside and i will be living my own life...
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